Reborn From the Cosmos

Miniarc-Villains-14

Samuel tried to convince himself that the source of his tension was riding through the ruined city, but it was a hard illusion to maintain. Despite earlier events, it was a peaceful night. The presence of a royal knight on the driver’s bench made it difficult to cultivate a sense of danger.n/ô/vel/b//in dot c//om

He had to face reality; the source of his tension was inside his carriage, namely the noblewoman seated across from him.

Cecilia bore no fault, she was her usual pleasant self. She had engaged him in idle chatter once their journey began, carrying the conversation until his responses grew short and terse. When it was clear he wasn’t interested, she easily dropped said conversation, turning her face and closing her eyes so he wouldn’t be burdened by her attention.

Her consideration meant nothing. The prince’s discontent roiled in his guts until it bubbled up and out of his mouth. He knew the words were a mistake before he spoke, but they tumbled out with the inevitable force of a natural disaster.

“Is there any chance you will ever love me?”

The words were like a spell, taking the tension within him and manifesting it. Cecilia’s shoulders tightened, the only sign his words affected her. In contrast, her smile was soft.

“You know I care for you.”

“No.” Since there was no turning back, the prince decided to plow forward without restraint. “Don’t do that. You’re…handling me and I’m tired of it.”

“…you’re tired?”

“Yes. Is this constant dance not exhausting?”

“Oh, I agree. I just…”

Samuel frowned as she covered her mouth, smothering a sound. Did she just…laugh at him? No, it couldn’t be. More likely it was a sound of distress she’d muffled not to ruin the moment. When she lowered her hand, there was no trace of amusement in her face.

“I thought you were comfortable with how things are.”

“How could I be? I’ve been running after something that is always beyond my reach. Even hope can chafe after too long.”

“I’ve made no secret of my feelings.”

“Haven’t you? You reject a relationship, but you accept every invitation, every gift, and every kind word. You followed me to the Hall, for saints’ sake! Is it so hard to fathom that these gestures might confuse me? Tact only goes so far.”

Cecilia shook her head. “It’s not tact, your highness. It’s duty.”

Samuel flexed his jaw in an effort to release some of his rising frustration. “I understand that your family is overbearing, but you are not wilting flower or uneducated country bumpkin. You’re a capable woman with means. You choose to be around me, to…encourage me. And if it’s not to see our relationship to a natural conclusion, then I would like to know why.”

Cecilia sighed, the sound filled with strained patience. It brought to mind a parent humoring a particularly annoying child. “If there is anything the tragedies of the city has taught me, it’s that we don’t have the time to waste on games. If this is what you want, then I’ll honor your request to speak openly.”

“Of course this is what I want,” Samuel snapped out, ignoring his doubts.

One of her hands rose, fingers massaging her brow. “Very well. You’re right. As an educated noblewoman, I have more options than most. But what exactly am I equipped for, your highness? Am I supposed to get a proper job and earn a proper wage? Then I’ll marry a proper man and raise a proper family, I suppose. A proper life. Is that what you’re imagining when you speak of my options?”

He hated how the longer she spoke, the more sarcasm slipped into her voice. “Something of the sort. You could choose anything, yet you choose me, again and again.”

“It’s not that I choose you, Samuel. It’s that I refuse the alternative. You might not have noticed, because it is your norm, but we are pampered creatures, you and I. What use do I have for proper and sensible? No, I want the best. I want the softest sheets, the most amazing food prepared by hands other than my own, the finest wines, and to dance in expensive dresses. I want to live in a beautiful home on a beautiful estate. Most importantly, I want the time and freedom to enjoy those things.”

“…I could care for you. I would.”

“Freedom, your highness. I have no doubt that I would be comfortable as your wife…when I’m allowed to be. Such a position comes with expectations.”

“I see. I didn’t realize you found the thought of being with me so burdensome,” he ground out, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “What exactly about me do you find so repugnant?”

“Please, Samuel. You asked for this conversation. Do me the courtesy of listening to my words before assuming insult. It’s not you. It’s never been you. Otherwise, I would already be married. Do you think you’re the only man who’s proposed to me? My father has tried to arrange a marriage for years.”

“Then…” He trailed off, struggling to put his confusion into words. “What are you objecting to?”

She scoffed. Truly scoffed, the gesture filled with rare disdain. “Yes, why would a woman object to marriage and mothering? It’s what we’re all here for, isn’t it? Who wouldn’t want calluses on their hands and feet from working long days, every day?

“What I object to is all of it. I want my life to be about me. I want to give of myself when I want and only as much as I want. I want to do what I want whenever the mood strikes me.” She shrugged. “I’m a selfish creature, but even I realize my dreams are impossible. The cruel truth of it is, I’m an economical woman. I cultivate relationships that give me the most for the little I’m willing to give. I want to be your friend and you don’t push me to be more. That is what I choose, Samuel.”

The prince shook his head. “Just as we’re talking now, we can talk about…everything. I’d never want to make you uncomfortable. You can’t assume what I’m willing to accept.”

“I can’t?” Her green eyes fluttered as she lowered her voice. “Don’t you want me, Samuel?”

Hot embarrassment flushed his face as her soft whispers tickled his ears. “Cecilia?”

“You asked me to speak plainly. I’m asking you to do the same.”

“This is what I mean about confusing me. That isn’t something you should be saying to anyone you aren’t interested in.”

“But I must. It’s the root of our problem. You are fully capable of providing the life I want but you expect certain things in return, don’t you? You want to touch me and you want me to touch you and you want me to want it like you want it. Don’t you?”

Samuel pressed his lips together. The obvious answer to her question was yes. He wasn’t ashamed of it. His desires were very healthy. He wanted the same thing every man wanted. Yet, he knew that answer would anger Cecilia. He also didn’t know why so he could do nothing to soothe that ire. It was frustrating, bordering on irritating.

“There’s no need for that look. I’m not saying you’re wrong to want those things. I’m the problem. You may think my feelings are irrational or childish, my father certainly does. Doesn’t do anything to change them.”

She spread her hands in a hapless gesture. “You’re a good man, Samuel. You would be good for me. But I have no passion for marriage and can’t marry for security alone. It isn’t in me.”

A delicate way of saying she didn’t feel any passion for him either. “If you don’t want to be…restricted, why did you encourage the attentions of Lourianne Tome.”

“Is it not obvious? I watched the way she treated Alana James when they were simply friends. Lou is a considerate woman of great means. I admit, I meant to take advantage of that nature. Better, she would have enjoyed allowing me to do so, I think.”

“So, she was simply convenient. And so was I. Is that all people are to you? Tools that you use or abandon depending on their cost?”

Cecilia shook her head. “I want you to be my friend. I want us to be able to enjoy our similar interests without your desires smothering what could be a wonderful connection. Unfortunately, what I want never mattered. Even now, this conversation is about soothing your heart.”

“That’s not…” Samuel once again found himself at a loss of words. Her accusation was correct, he wasn’t thinking of her at all when he vented his feelings. She had never asked him for anything. He assumed he was giving her what she wanted because she never said no.

Samuel frequently wished he could know her better, but he was starting to think he’d never known her at all.

Cecilia left him to stew in his emotions, once more closing her eyes as she turned away. Like that, they passed the rest of the ride in silence.